What is Shame? The following three authors defined shame as follows:
Brene Brown says “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
John Bradshaw says “A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up.”
Curt Thompson defines shame as “An undercurrent of sensed emotion”... “that, should we put words to it, would declare some version of “I am not enough; there is something wrong with me: I am bad; or I don’t matter.”
What is the difference between GUILT and SHAME?
Guilt is corrective, it states that I DID something wrong, and it is about behavior.
Shame is condemning, it states that I AM something wrong, and it is about identity.
Where does Shame come from?
Shame originated in the Garden of Eden. After God created the world, made man and woman and then placed them in the garden, he gave them clear instructions to eat from any of the trees of the garden with the exception of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The last verse in Genesis 2 states "Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." (Gen 2:25 NIV). In Genesis 3, sin enters the picture along with shame. After they sinned against the Lord, Adam and Eve went into hiding and experienced shame.
In our own lives, shame usually originates at some point in our childhood. Shame messages can either be verbal ("Why can't you be like your sister?" "What is wrong with you?" "You are such a failure.") or it can be nonverbal (being the last one chosen for kickball, being abandoned by a parent, being abused or neglected, struggling with a learning disablity, etc).
At its core, shame tells me that I am not good enough. Some common shame messages are:
I am not lovable.
I am unworthy.
I am disgusting.
I am different.
I am not chosen.
I am not important.
I am bad.
Over time, the toxic shame message becomes a core belief. It is no longer just something that we say to ourselves; it becomes something that we fully believe about who we are as a person. We put on the core belief like a pair of glasses, and that is the lens that we see the world through. And, we find evidence everywhere to support our core belief when we are viewing the world through this lens.
The problem with shame is that it is the rejection of the self by the self. We reject our most authentic, God-created self and we present a false self (which is exhausting!). If I believe at my core that I am unworthy, then I fear everyone else will believe this too. So, I go into hiding.
This false self that we present usually falls into 1 of 2 categories: superhuman or subhuman. If I believe my authentic self is unworthy, then perhaps I will present myself as a superhuman (rejection of anything bad). I may try to be a perfectionist, high achieving, a people pleaser and appearing to always be put together. Or, I may present as a subhuman (rejection of anything good). I may self-sabotage, isolate or have a victim mentality.
Now that we understand shame and how it shows up in our lives, what do we do about it? Two steps we can take are to 1. Challenge the shame message and 2. Be fully known.
Challenge the shame message.
What is your shame message? What is the story that you have been telling yourself throughout your life? Is the story that everyone leaves me? Is the story that I am unimportant because my parent chose an addiction over me? Is the story that I am unworthy because my parent left?
Rewrite the narrative. The story that you have been telling yourself was probably created with a childlike perspective. Try rewriting the story from an adult perspective. (i.e., my parent struggled with addiction, but that did not have anything to do with my worthiness)
Stop the negative talk! What do you say to yourself when you stand in front of the mirror? Or don't get a job? Or lose a relationship? It is important to notice what you are saying to yourself, and then replace the negativity with truth.
Find evidence of worth. Let's trade out the lens of shame and replace it with a lens of worthiness. Who in your life has made you feel seen, known and loved? Find truth in the Bible. Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearlessly and wonderfully made."
What are your worthy messages: I am worthy. I am enough. I am loved. I am chosen. I am valuable. I am doing my best. I am createdd in the image of God.
Be fully known
To ourselves: being fully known involves taking an accurate look at who you are - the beauty and the flaws. It is not rejecting the flaws to only focus on the beauty (superhuman) and it is not rejecting the beauty to only focus on the flaws (subhuman). God uniquely designed you... all of you.
To others: Shame is often created in relationships and therefore, needs to be healed in relationships. Shame loses power when it is spoken out loud to another person. Take off the mask and allow others to fully know you. Live authentically!
BE FULLY KNOWN
"When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving. Our sense of worthiness–that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging–lives inside of our story.”
~Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection ~
To Watch the youtube video on the subject of shame, click below.
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