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Notes From a Grief Counselor

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As a grief counselor, I have sat with many, many people experiencing intense loss and pain. The circumstances are each individual and different, but there are some commonalities. A few things I have learned along the way that might be helpful if you are experiencing grief (or love someone who is experiencing grief):

If you are grieving:

  • One of the first things that I share with people experiencing loss is that the goal is not ever to move on from the loss, but rather to move forward. If you are going to grief counseling, please know that the purpose of grief counseling is not to “heal” or “overcome” your grief like you might heal or overcome depression or anxiety. The purpose of grief counseling is to learn how to carry your grief with you throughout your life. Your grief won’t necessarily shrink, but you will grow stronger and you will be able to walk through life carrying the grief in a way that feels more manageable.

  • The process of grief is messy. Grief is similar to the waves of the ocean. When walking along the beach, sometimes the waves will lightly hit your feet and sometimes the waves are so large they might take you out to sea. Grief shows up in a similar way.

  • You may be experiencing a lot of different emotions, even conflicting emotions, and these emotions may seem to change on a moment to moment basis. An important concept is learning that you can hold two conflicting emotions at the same time. (I can be sad that my loved one is gone AND grateful that they are no longer in pain).

  • There ARE stages of grief that you will go through, but this is not a linear process. In other words, you will not start at one stage and gradually move through all stages until you are at acceptance. You will likely bounce around between the stages or experience more than one stage at a time.

  • The amount of grief you are experiencing is directly related to the amount of love you have for the person. Grief is love that is not able to be expressed in the same way as before.

  • Time will feel different now. For you, time may feel like it is standing still. Yet, the people around you are moving through life as if nothing is different. Other times, it may feel like an enormous amount of time has passed.

  • You may feel anger at the people around you. You may get irritated hearing the woman at work or the friend complaining about her husband if you just lost yours. You may have little to no compassion for what others are going through. This will pass.

  • Over time, the grief will become less intense and less frequent.

  • Complicated grief occurs when we get “stuck” in the grief. This may be related to the unexpected nature or the traumatic aspect.

  • Let yourself feel and express all of the emotions that come up. If you try to push them down, they will come up eventually in a much less manageable way.

  • This isn’t fair. You are not wrong. It is not fair that you lost your loved one.

  • Lots of people will show up in the beginning, which is wonderful. Over time, this may change. Ask your closest people to reach out to you for years to come, especially on significant days.

  • People will want to help in any way possible. I know you don’t know what you need, but as things come up, compile a list. (It would be nice if someone could come weed-eat once a week; It would be great to have someone take my son to soccer practice on Thursday nights; etc).

  • If we allow it, losing a loved one gives us an eternal perspective. Our gaze is no longer just on this world and the things we are trying to accomplish and gain here, but we begin to gaze upward towards our eternal life. We have one foot here on earth and one foot in the heavenly perspective longing to be reunited with our loved one. There is hope in heaven.

  • If you are angry with God, don’t pull away from Him. Learn to lament in prayer. Take your anger, sorrow and pain straight to Him because He can handle it and this is an act of drawing close.

  • No matter what the circumstances are, this is not your fault. The bible clearly states that the day we are born into the world and the day we leave the world have already been determined by God. Let go of the false guilt.

  • If you are not okay, reach out to someone - a friend, support group, therapist or pastor. Although no one fully understands what you are going through, it can be really helpful to have someone who is willing to support and care for you during this time.

If you love someone who is grieving:

  • The best thing you can do for your loved one is tell them "I am here for you". Avoid trying to offer condolence cliches (commonly used phrases that unintentionally minimize the grief experience). Some common statements people often say "your loved one is in a better place", "God needed another angel", "At least you have another child", etc. These are just a few examples. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

  • Be there for your loved one. Sit with them and let them feel whatever they are feeling without trying to fix, change or deflect. Your presence is enough.

  • Don't ask what they need because they often don't know. Just show up with gift cards to restaurants. Show up and tell them you are watching their kids so they can go rest. Show up and mow their yard, clean their house or bring them groceries.

  • One of the most important things is time. You may think after a month, six months or a year that they are probably better. Grieving people need you to keep reaching out month after month, year after year. (Even if they are not great at responding, keep reaching out).

  • Remember the important days. Birthdays, anniversaries, the date of the death are all significant to the grieving person. Put these dates in your calendar and set reminders so that you can reach out on important days.

  • Say their loved one's name. Tell stories about the person they lost. Most grieving people find comfort in keeping the memory of their loved one alive.

Grief can be an overwhelming and isolating experience, but you don't have to face it alone. If you are feeling lost or burdened by your emotions, reaching out for professional support can be a transformative step. A therapist can help you process your feelings, find coping strategies, and ultimately guide you towards healing. Remember, seeking help is a courageous act, and it’s never too late to start your journey towards understanding and acceptance. Take that important step today—schedule your therapy session and begin to navigate your grief with the support you deserve.

 
 
 

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
~Proverbs 13:12 NIV~

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